What it takes
by nighttime writer
Summary: I've never quite had what it takes to be a man somewhere in between Olivia and Denny dying Alex drops his guard to show Izzie for just a second that he too was hurting. OneShot RR


**A/N: Apology –Ashley Parker Angel (Alternative lyrics) Please read. Look at the lyrics. It screams Alex. And Alex may be a little out of character but look at how complex Alex is. No one ever really knows Alex. We are talking Alex Karev for crying out loud. Read and Review and read A/N at the bottom.**

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**Alex's PoV**

**I'm shadowed and broken beyond repair  
I'm dreaming so sick of being here  
I fucked one to many times  
This time I've fucked up my whole life**

Sometimes I let my mind wonder if Izzie was ever "the one." Late at night when I don't have to be cocky or mean, the thoughts just come. By the tenth beer the thoughts just freefall from some sort of vault that's kept locked during the day.

Tonight was no exception. I was already nursing my fourteenth glass of beer, and the image of Izzie and Denny just bore into my brain. It seemed the more I drank the more clearer it became. The more pain I felt, so I drank more. I guess it's a vicious cycle.

I sighed and chugged the remaining beer. "One more Joe," I mumbled pushing the glass towards the other end of the bar.

**But it's been coming for a while  
And I've been hiding in denial  
I never quite had what it takes  
To be a man**

My shift starts in three hours. Meaning I had three more hours before I had to be happy Alex again. Three more hours of painful recollections of memories of Izzie and me, and Olivia and me before I had to shut them out, back into the vault. I have three more hours before I strut into the locker room with a smirk on my face, as if I've done something the night before. I have three more hours before I make fun of George for being George, and argue with Bailey over some stupid diagnosis because that's what I do…I make fun of George, and I share details to piss off Izzie, and I argue with every damn doctor in that hospital. Because I have to.

When I throw that mask on no one gets to see my pain. They just jeer at me, angry that I hurt Izzie beyond repair. But she's being repaired now as we speak. Denny is making her believe in love again. Denny is picking up the pieces to her broken heart. Denny is the one that makes Izzie happy. And I…I just make her mad. I make her remember why love is nonexistent. I hurt her.

And I guess it's good that I do because no one sees my pain. No one sees the anti-depressants that's been a part of my life for so long. My morning coffee often accompanied with the damn pills. Because no one can know that I feel the pain as well. Because I'm Alex, and I don't feel pain. I make others feel it.

**I should have turned myself around  
I should have tried to stand my ground  
But now it's over and there's nothing left for me to do  
But go**

"Dr. Karev," my head snapped up at my name, eyes landing on Dr. Burke.

I sighed and took a big gulp of my beer. I gave a confident smile that didn't quite meet my eyes. Dr. Burke didn't notice.

"Dr. Burke," I said taking another huge gulp. "You're not in here to tell me which cases to grab up are you?"

Dr. Burke rolled his eyes and ordered a beer. He eyed me and I gave a goofy smile. "What's up?" I asked.

"I should be asking you Karev," he stated. "How many is that anyways?"

"Not that many. Don't worry, it's just enough to unwind," I said. _'and forget about Izzie…' _

"Should I even ask how Izzie and you are these days?" Burke ventured.

I scoffed and downed the last of the glass. "She's mad. But it's cool…" I said looking down for a second. "Not worth it you know. Olivia on the other hand…" I gave a cheesy smile.

Burke rolled his eyes. "Just making sure you're ok Dr. Karev."

"I'm always ok," I said reassuringly.

I got up slowly in order to avoid falling on my face. There was some sort of glory in feeling extremely drunk. It's weird working on a hangover too. Makes you feel the pain even more. I don't know why I drink. To feel the pain or to numb it. I haven't decided yet.

I walked to the door and across the street without much stumbling. I knew everyone was home at Meredith's. I heard George and Izzie talking about it earlier in the changing room.

_Flashback_

"_Yeah Cristina's coming so it'll be nice," Izzie said walking right past me._

_I rolled my eyes pretending to be focused at my locker, searching for some nonexistent thing._

_I could hear the silence in the room. It was practically deafening as George and Izzie exchanged not so subtle glances at each other. Finally George clears his throats and begins talking. "Alex…listen…"_

_It was a pity invite and I could hear it in his voice. "Whatever it is O'Malley, I'm not interested," I said with a shit eating grin on my face. "I've got something way more important to do."_

"_You're such an ass," Izzie muttered slamming her locker._

"_I didn't hear you complaining last time Dr. Model," I said giving another bigger grin._

_End of flashback _

**It's been too long to make amends  
So I'll just  
Goodbye my friend  
If you just asked I'd get down on my knees  
But we both know it's best if I just leave**

I walked into the locker room to see it was already full of the morning interns. I sauntered in with a big grin on my face. Izzie and the others just rolled their eyes and ignored me.

"Boy do I have a story to tell," I said with a grin.

"I have rounds," George said closing his locker.

"I just don't want to be around you," Cristina said following suit.

"Ditto," Meredith sneered out.

"I've got a surgery," Izzie said leaving with the rest.

I gave a small smile knowing that I once again got the locker room to myself. It wasn't so hard though. These days even my so called friends think I'm an ass.

I sighed and looked around making sure no one was in view. I opened my locker and slipped my hand into my lab jacket pocket reaching for the small container within. **_Dr. Alex Karev, 150 mg Prozac_**.

I sighed and shook two out swallowing them without my coffee. The room was starting to spin and I could feel myself loosing balance. I steadied myself on my locker silently thanking whatever God there was that there was no one in the locker room.

I counted backwards from five before slowly venturing to open my eyes. It was a little better though I could feel the beginnings of a killer headache. I closed the locker and walked out of the room heading to the closest nurse's cart. Without even thinking I snatched up four tablets of Tylenol and headed back to the locker room.

I had 3 more minutes before Bailey would start screaming bloody murder for me to hurry up. The fourteenth beer was starting to kick in.

"Look alive Dr. Karev!" Bailey said passing by me.

"Give me a second," I muttered.

I walked into the locker room and nearly fell upon the bench. 2 minutes and 30 seconds. My head felt like someone had rammed a hammer into it. My stomach felt like everything was going to come back up.

Suddenly I heard the door open and I jumped up only to come face to face with the one person I really wasn't in the mood for.

**  
And it's been coming for a while  
But I've been hiding in denial  
I never quite had what it takes  
To be a man**

"Dr. Model!" I said in surprise.

"Dr. Bailey told me to come check on you," she scoffed out, hands across her chest.

I could feel the room spinning and I had to lean against the bench to keep my balance.

"I'm fine."

"You look like shit," she stated.

"That's because you kept me up all night," I said giving her a big grin.

It was partially true. She did keep me up all night though not for the reasons I had not spoken in the sentence. There was no sex dream. There was no dream. I didn't even sleep.

"Why do you do that?" Izzie asked leaning against the door.

"Do what?"

"This!" Izzie exclaimed throwing her hands up in the air. "Always got to be cocky, and a jerk!"

"Hey I'm fine! So just go do your rounds," I spat out.

**I should have turned myself around  
I should have tried to stand my ground  
But now it's over and there's nothing left for me to do  
But go **

Left for me to do but go

"Maybe I will!" Izzie yelled turning around and throwing the door open.

"GO AHEAD!" I yelled punching the locker in mere frustration.

I could feel the anger inside of me. And all of a sudden I didn't care who was watching. I didn't care where I was. I just needed to release everything. I threw the damn bottle of prozac breaking the lid and having all the tiny little capsules scatter everywhere.

I kicked the locker in before punching the locker over and over again. I never heard the door open. I never knew that Izzie rushed in along with George and Meredith until I felt someone's hands take mine.

"ALEX!" Izzie yelled trying to grab my attention.

I could feel angry tears streaking down my face. And I don't know why because Alex Karev never cries. I could feel my heart breaking in front of them and I don't know why because Alex Karev never shows these feelings.

**I know I've made too many bad mistakes  
And I know I've let you down so much**

I tried wiggling out of Izzie's hold, but Meredith and George were helping her and all three were too hard. Finally Izzie just let go leaving me to sort of stumble forward.

"Alex, what's going on," Izzie asked confused.

I sighed. She wouldn't understand. Izzie wouldn't get that I fucked up. She was happy. She was with Denny, and she was finally happy. And here I was trying to sabotage it like I would normally.

"Nothing's going on," I muttered bending down and picking up the little capsules.

Izzie nodded unconvinced. She went over and grabbed the bottle on the floor.

"Prozac," she read aloud.

"I had to bring it to my mom," I mumbled.

It was a lie and she knew it. But with Izzie being Izzie she didn't say anything. Because as much as Izzie didn't know she knew a lot too. She knew that I would never admit to what the entire breakdown was. She knew I would never talk to her about Olivia or that situation. She knew that I would never tell her the whole story. Just what she saw. Because as much as Izzie didn't know about me, she knew.

"You ok now?" Izzie asked looking straight into my eyes.

No. The answer was no. I wasn't ok. Because I just let the love of my life get away. I practically drove her to Denny. I was never going to be ok because I knew that I wasn't the one who could fix her heart, or make her believe in love. I never speak what's on my mind.

So I did the next best thing. I gave a small smile. The sincere Alex smile. The one that only Izzie was allowed to see. Because just for a second she could see Alex. Not Dr. Alex Karev that the whole world sees day in and day out. But I allowed her to see a little of Alex. The man who's crazily in loved is Dr. Isobel Stevens. I allowed her to see me.

"Yeah I'm ok."

I'll be gone before you know  
But I still love you so  
I'm sorry

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**A/N: Sort of out of character for Alex because I know he's not on anti-depressants but it made Alex more human. This is somewhere between the Olivia thing and Denny's death. Alex is Alex with so many complexities to him it's nearly impossible to get him right on the target. But I took a stab at what Alex was feeling. Hopefully you guys enjoy it. Read and review. It's a one-shot. **

**Liz.**


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